Living With a Debilitating Disorder

Fibromyalgia is a wide spread chronic pain disorder that also causes fatigue and many other symptoms. For more information, click on fibromyalgia symptoms. It’s also considered an ‘Invisible Illness’ meaning there are no outward signs that someone is sick, and thus, look fine and capable. I didn’t ask for this disease, nor did I want it.

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Wasted Dreams

To be honest, I judged those with fibromyalgia before I fully understood it, unfortunately, through personal experience. Even though I had friends with it, I couldn’t help but wonder if, at times, they were hypochondriacs; whiny, lazy, and using their diagnosis an excuse. Now I’m on disability, only able to work PT. As a former perfectionist and over-achiever, I hate that I have to endure the judgments and accusations about not being a “productive member of society”, questioning my own value and worth. A good reminder that we ultimately end up being judged the way in which we judge others.

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What’s even more annoying are the well-intentioned people who think they have the answer. I believe my condition was brought on by multiple traumatic events. At one point, I was able to work full time when I could afford five hundred to one thousand dollars a month on healing treatments. Now I do what I can: eat the best that I can (there’s always room for improvement and financial barriers, as well), walk, hike, yoga, aerobic exercise when able, meditation, Epsom salt baths, essential oils, TENS unit, medication management, and massage and acupuncture when I have some extra cash. It’s about learning to cope and manage your stress.

I have my good days and bad days, just like anyone else. I feel like the good outweigh the bad but the bad days can be a nightmare if you take into consideration what I consider to be a good day.

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Beautiful View

A “good day” is when I’m able to maintain my positivity, spiritual connection, and inner peace despite my pain level being at a 7. I smile despite feeling like I have the flu but I can accomplish my daily goals, responsibilities, and function like most SAHM’s. I push myself even though it feels like I’m going to collapse. When it starts to feel like I’m being beaten with a baseball bat and nauseous from the pain and fatigue, I rest, and find relief to continue on. I’m a good mother; patient, involved, and attentive to my children.

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Fallen Angel

My “bad days” are when my pain level is at a 10. It feels like I’m being tortured; like my spine is shattering into a million pieces, my sacrum is being busted by a jack hammer, an ax is going through my shins, and the pain throughout my entire body is so overwhelming; stuck at the surface like I’m going to explode and felt so deeply I cannot move. I hold back the tears yet inevitably, I can’t hold back my emotions. Feelings of confusion, anger, powerlessness, shame, fear, and despair. I wonder if I’m cursed. I don’t want to lay in bed anymore, suffering. I have a million other things I’d rather and should be doing. My kids deserve the attention I’m unable to give at the moment. I am so tense that the energy is blocked and I can’t release the pain. I can’t relax enough to relieve the fatigue.

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Crying Angel

No matter how much I pray, fight it, or try to will it away, its agonizing horror greets me each morning. Its grip holds tight throughout the night. It sounds so crazy that I don’t even understand it. I’m angry that this pain gets in the way of living life on my terms. I don’t want to surrender to the reality of my limitations. I feel guilty that my kids are affected by my pain. I fear that it will never go away, that I won’t be able to support my children on my own, or that I won’t be able to fulfill my purpose here on Earth. I begin to feel hopeless.

Beautiful Angel

Beautiful Angel

Like I said, thankfully, the good days outweigh the bad. Most days I’m able to accept my suffering. But that doesn’t keep me from wishing or hoping that one day there will be a cure or that I’ll have the financial means to seek the healing that can improve the quality of my life.

I don’t write this for pity, attention, or sympathy. Honestly, I keep this truth about me pretty well hidden, like a shameful dark secret. This is my attempt at being authentic and vulnerable to give a voice to my wholeness; my dark and my light. It’s an attempt to raise awareness and support other sufferers of this illness.

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Transformation

I’ve heard Source tell me repeatedly, “Your pain is your power.” I’m not quite sure I believe that or understand yet, but I have to wonder if love could be the key to my healing? Maybe I’m just a dreamer. I long to be showered with love and affection, finding refuge in the safe, strong arms of a man, a quality of tenderness and care that may bring me back to homeostasis. Whose touch, embrace, and Soul may be a healing balm able to penetrate the deepest layers of my Being.

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Angel of Hope

I’ve done my work. Thirteen long years of facing my demons alone and shining Light in the dark, paving a pathway to healing. Yes, on my bad days I question everything. I doubt and grow impatient. Yet I continue to stand in my power and never give up. I know my heart is pure and I know what I deserve. I have to believe that the answers I seek are on their way. I’ve witnessed too many miracles to believe otherwise.

Never Lose Faith,
Rebecca

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Remembering Your Divine Essence

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Last night I was working on an oracle card reading for myself. In my journey toward finding real love and finding the next step in my journey, I must remove the final walls and barriers I have built to protect myself and present the real me to the world instead of putting on the masks which were once helpful. I must have complete faith and trust in God to provide for me, symbolized by the Dove. I let go of feelings of guilt, did some past life healing, and drifted off to sleep.

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The symbolism in the dream I had is so powerful (and personal) I wanted to share. I had a new baby in addition to the two beautiful children I have now. However, I stuck her in the cage with the kids’ guinea pigs and forgot about her. I would check on her and the pigs occasionally and feel bad for neglecting her. I’d hold her and feed her some and put her back in the cage.

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I began to notice that the cage was freezing up with ice and the pigs could no longer be fed. I continued to be destracted in the care of my baby.

One day the pigs were dead. It was awful. I blamed my kids and others for not taking care of them. I mused about why it was so easy for me to leave my baby in there and forget about her. I talked about what an easy pregnancy she was and how she never cried for food and nurturing so I failed to notice her need. I felt deeply sad and ashamed.

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It was time. It was time to free her from the cage and be her mother. To feed her consistently, hold her warmly, and love her always. I cried as I fully embraced this beautiful child of mine. She was so sweet, so calm, so patient with me. Vibrating pure love.

All day long, I have been thinking about that precious baby and how healing it was to finally SEE her. To spend time with her.

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Of course that darling angel was me. I share this dream in hopes that through meditation and prayer, you as well can find and connect with your inner child, your source of innocence, your Divine nature, and make peace with her. We are all darling angels in God’s eyes!

Sweet dreams and take care of yourself!

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Your Angel Card Reading for January 25-31, 2015

From: HEALING WITH THE ANGELS ORACLE CARDS BY DOREEN VIRTUE, PH.D

From: HEALING WITH THE ANGELS ORACLE CARDS BY DOREEN VIRTUE, PH.D

In this angel card, you see the angel sitting in darkness, protected by a casted circle, and yet, amidst the darkness, there’s a spark of light, from a magical creature.

Spirit shared a vision with me yesterday:

Imagine yourself surrounded by Divine White Light

Connect to Mother Earth through the soles of your feet

Center yourself in your heart chakra, where Love resides

Cast away all fears (God/Goddess are always there to support you)

Now imagine that Divine White Light as a powerful magnet.

With no fear, and complete surrender and trust in the Divine’s will, timing, and intervention, you attract everything you need and desire for your highest and greatest good! What kind of things is your energy field attracting? Affirm that what you need and want is ready to be manifested in your life by your magnetic energy field.

Expect a miracle this week. Sometimes a miracle seems like the only solution to a problem. Be open to allowing God to help you resolve your challenges in ways that may surprise you–what I like to call Divine Intervention, or miracles. As you notice the blessings, miracles, and magic all around you, you will experience even more!

Create magic. Be magical. Have a miraculous week!

Love & Light

Contact me for your personalized reading! rebecca.heavenonearth@gmail.com
Heaven On Earth Ministries

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