Living With a Debilitating Disorder

Fibromyalgia is a wide spread chronic pain disorder that also causes fatigue and many other symptoms. For more information, click on fibromyalgia symptoms. It’s also considered an ‘Invisible Illness’ meaning there are no outward signs that someone is sick, and thus, look fine and capable. I didn’t ask for this disease, nor did I want it.

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Wasted Dreams

To be honest, I judged those with fibromyalgia before I fully understood it, unfortunately, through personal experience. Even though I had friends with it, I couldn’t help but wonder if, at times, they were hypochondriacs; whiny, lazy, and using their diagnosis an excuse. Now I’m on disability, only able to work PT. As a former perfectionist and over-achiever, I hate that I have to endure the judgments and accusations about not being a “productive member of society”, questioning my own value and worth. A good reminder that we ultimately end up being judged the way in which we judge others.

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What’s even more annoying are the well-intentioned people who think they have the answer. I believe my condition was brought on by multiple traumatic events. At one point, I was able to work full time when I could afford five hundred to one thousand dollars a month on healing treatments. Now I do what I can: eat the best that I can (there’s always room for improvement and financial barriers, as well), walk, hike, yoga, aerobic exercise when able, meditation, Epsom salt baths, essential oils, TENS unit, medication management, and massage and acupuncture when I have some extra cash. It’s about learning to cope and manage your stress.

I have my good days and bad days, just like anyone else. I feel like the good outweigh the bad but the bad days can be a nightmare if you take into consideration what I consider to be a good day.

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Beautiful View

A “good day” is when I’m able to maintain my positivity, spiritual connection, and inner peace despite my pain level being at a 7. I smile despite feeling like I have the flu but I can accomplish my daily goals, responsibilities, and function like most SAHM’s. I push myself even though it feels like I’m going to collapse. When it starts to feel like I’m being beaten with a baseball bat and nauseous from the pain and fatigue, I rest, and find relief to continue on. I’m a good mother; patient, involved, and attentive to my children.

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Fallen Angel

My “bad days” are when my pain level is at a 10. It feels like I’m being tortured; like my spine is shattering into a million pieces, my sacrum is being busted by a jack hammer, an ax is going through my shins, and the pain throughout my entire body is so overwhelming; stuck at the surface like I’m going to explode and felt so deeply I cannot move. I hold back the tears yet inevitably, I can’t hold back my emotions. Feelings of confusion, anger, powerlessness, shame, fear, and despair. I wonder if I’m cursed. I don’t want to lay in bed anymore, suffering. I have a million other things I’d rather and should be doing. My kids deserve the attention I’m unable to give at the moment. I am so tense that the energy is blocked and I can’t release the pain. I can’t relax enough to relieve the fatigue.

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Crying Angel

No matter how much I pray, fight it, or try to will it away, its agonizing horror greets me each morning. Its grip holds tight throughout the night. It sounds so crazy that I don’t even understand it. I’m angry that this pain gets in the way of living life on my terms. I don’t want to surrender to the reality of my limitations. I feel guilty that my kids are affected by my pain. I fear that it will never go away, that I won’t be able to support my children on my own, or that I won’t be able to fulfill my purpose here on Earth. I begin to feel hopeless.

Beautiful Angel

Beautiful Angel

Like I said, thankfully, the good days outweigh the bad. Most days I’m able to accept my suffering. But that doesn’t keep me from wishing or hoping that one day there will be a cure or that I’ll have the financial means to seek the healing that can improve the quality of my life.

I don’t write this for pity, attention, or sympathy. Honestly, I keep this truth about me pretty well hidden, like a shameful dark secret. This is my attempt at being authentic and vulnerable to give a voice to my wholeness; my dark and my light. It’s an attempt to raise awareness and support other sufferers of this illness.

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Transformation

I’ve heard Source tell me repeatedly, “Your pain is your power.” I’m not quite sure I believe that or understand yet, but I have to wonder if love could be the key to my healing? Maybe I’m just a dreamer. I long to be showered with love and affection, finding refuge in the safe, strong arms of a man, a quality of tenderness and care that may bring me back to homeostasis. Whose touch, embrace, and Soul may be a healing balm able to penetrate the deepest layers of my Being.

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Angel of Hope

I’ve done my work. Thirteen long years of facing my demons alone and shining Light in the dark, paving a pathway to healing. Yes, on my bad days I question everything. I doubt and grow impatient. Yet I continue to stand in my power and never give up. I know my heart is pure and I know what I deserve. I have to believe that the answers I seek are on their way. I’ve witnessed too many miracles to believe otherwise.

Never Lose Faith,
Rebecca

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Perfect Love

My daughter and I cuddle up every night and watch “Charmed” on Netflix. In S2:E10 – Heartbreak City – Drazi, the demon of hate, attempts to destroy love. Phoebe, played by Alyssa Milano, assists Cupid to vanquish Drazi, and along the way, learns some valuable lessons from Cupid.

Phoebe was having bad luck in the romance department. Cupid told her it was because her heart was closed, which irritated her and she vehemently denied. He pointed out to her that her fear of losing those she loves has caused her to close her heart to love in order to keep her safe, which in turn, prevented her from attracting love.

Deeper yet, Cupid taught her that the message and the Messenger are separate. People can come and go in and out of our lives, sharing love with us. What’s not important is if they’re intended to stay. What is important, is that we open our hearts to receive those messages of love. People are not perfect. We fail. We make mistakes. We cannot become attached to the Messenger. Just as fear cannot exist in love. Perfect love casts away all fear.

I was surprised that this show had such a profound effect the following day during my meditation that it helped clear some major blockages in my own life that I had failed to see.

I’ve been single for 13 years, and like Phoebe, thought I just hadn’t found the ‘right one’ yet. How many of us, who claim to be open and ready for a relationship, if you took an honest look, still harbor feelings of fear around love? None of us want our hearts broken again. We want to avoid the gut – wrenching pain of betrayal or the sting of rejection. So we wear masks and build up walls.

Maybe even your reason for wanting to find a relationship is fear based: i.e., fear of being alone, fear of failure, financial fears, etc. As a result, you come across as insecure and desperate.

It’s not healthy to be blind to or deny those hidden truths within us. It’s okay to be authentic and vulnerable. That’s when our wounds are given the opportunity to be exposed to the light, to love, and to heal. Admit to yourself what is holding you back from attracting what you really desire.

Because the ‘Independent, I don’t need anyone, sex with no strings attached’ attitude is so last decade. It’s a false sense of ego and it’s time to vanquish those demons – anything that stands in the way of expressing your Divine nature, which is Love.

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Yes, there are times when being alone is a necessary and sacred part of your journey. For this kind of love can only happen when we love our imperfect selves, perfectly. Yet, the time has come to unite and harmonize the Masculine and Feminine in Truth and Power and Love.

To me, perfect love is the pure intention of sharing the gift of love with another, the desire to touch another’s soul so deeply, that even in your absence, they are never the same again.

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Perfect love is kindness, gentleness, and respect.

It is service to another with the hope of easing their burdens.

Perfect love is someone wanting to stay up all night, exploring and excavating the unearthed recesses of your mind.

It is someone who accepts all of you just the way you are.

Someone whose gaze reaches the core of your Being.

Soft kisses on fingertips.

Whose smile lights up your life and makes all your problems disappear.

Someone who wishes to share in your happiness and joy, as well as your sorrows and pain, and everything in between.

Whose scent makes you feel safe and calm and warm.

Passion that can create a whole other Universe.

Perfect love is star gazing together and dancing under the magic of the moonlight.

Small gifts to know you are cherished and sweet texts to know you’re on their mind.

It is the person who takes a seat next to you on this crazy ride called life, buckles ups and holds your hand through the ups and downs, white knuckles, hair blowing, screaming and laughing, exhilarated from sharing this adventure with you.

Whose touch awakens your senses and sets your soul on fire.

An embrace that melts all physical boundaries, where all that remains is your True essence – LOVE.

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Love Always,
Rebecca

Co-Creating Reality Series #2

Heaven on Earth

My Vision of Paradise through Christ Consciousness

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